Discovering what should never of happened
by giant-hamster
Summary: When Remus finds out about what happened the night Lily and James died. implied slash, ish. RLSB style. dont know what ratings mean!


This is yet ANOTHER sad fic. Honest there is a nicer one in the pipelines!

This is basically when Remus finds out about what happened the night that Lily and James dies.

Possible implied slash ish. RLSB style

Disclamer- I'm a fan, not fiction

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I stood there. Waiting. Somebody had to arrive soon. Six of them, they couldn't all be late, could they? Six people can't all coinsidently not turn up. Maybe they are trying to get rid of me. Maybe thats why they all went silent when I returned to the living room after making everyone tea. Maybe they all decided to stand me up.

Well fine then. If they can't stand me so much then maybe I won't wait for them. They all probably think its me anyway. But who could it be? All I know is that it isn't me. Yet it has to be someone in order, I can't think who it could be. I love them all, none of them could be the one, can they? I'm so confused right now, I need him right now, but he was turning up late, picking up the others, all of us meeting at 'Pumpkin Palour' the nearest magic only pub for miles, not that distance really mattered when you're able to instantly appear in another place instantly.

So why are they late? They can't really blame traffic, unless they decided to go via floo powder. But even that takes meer seconds and just because they have to wait in queue to use the fireplace, that doesn't mean it takes long, no time at all, in that circumstance also someone would have arrived anyway.

20 past 9. They still aren't here. What is taking them this long? Great its starting to rain, just the thing to make this so much more worthwhile. What are you looking at? and no 'she hasn't stood me up, _thank you'._ My God, why don't people mind their own business around here? But that is a fair point, where are Lily and James, Tula and Sammy, Peter, Sirius, where on earth are they?

The sound of someone apperating behind me, 'Remus.' it was Tula. I turned around, at least at first to be angry, to complain about why they had taken so long. But the look on her face made me stop dead. She looked almost to weak to stand up. On the verge of tears, as if she had been crying for a long while, as if all her effort had gone into not crying and apperating here, she obviously needed to tell me something. Bad news.

"Tula! Whats wrong?" I heard myself exclaim and pulled her into an embrace, I felt her collapse into me. Unable to hold her own weight, regardless of how little it was. She sobbed into my chest, cries of pure misery, I wanted to know what was wrong with her, I don't think that I've ever seen her cry like that before.

I don't think that I've I ever seen her cry.

She cried into me for an eternity, letting her cry, I wasn't going to make her tell me what was wrong untill she got past her outburst, it was only fair. I just held her into me, craddling her, stroking her hair, kissing the top of her head, making her feel safe. She finally drew her head back long enough to say that we needed to apperate back to her house. And that she'd tell me when we got there. Although I only just heard her through her sobs, she wiped her eyes and nose on the back of sleeve, making her look around 5 instead of 25.

She didn't look like she had the energy to apperate back, but she did. She's strong. She's always been strong. Even when she was ill it didn't stop her. 'I'm sorry' she whispered before she apperated. 'don't be' I replied, squeezing her hand.

We arrived back to her house, in her living room. Sammy sitting on the sofa, leaning forward, playing with his wrists, he looked up and it was obvious that he had been crying as well. Although I wanted to know what was wrong. I didn't. Knowing that whatever it was, I would be crying in a few minutes. Someones died. Sirius. Lily and James. Peter. Or someone else. Or all of them. Tula walked over to Sammy and he placed his arms around her. Cuddling her in close. She turned and faced me and bekoned me over, tears still rolling down her cheeks. 'I need to tell you,' She paused, her voice thick with sorrow.'Something really awful has happened Remy.' I sat down next to her. I took her hands. Sammy piped up from behind.

'Are you okay telling him Tuls? Or do you want me to?' His voice quivered, as if although he would do it for her because he loved her yet, he would find it just as hard.

'No, I think it would be better if he hears it from me. His friend.' I can hear my heart beating in my chest, my throat is dry and my palms are sweaty. It was only when Sammy got up to put the kettle on I had realised I had said this outloud, followed by a single nervous giggle. 'Something really-really horrible has happened' she repeated, it sounded as though she had a giant lump in her throat. I imagined that it felt like it too. She picked up one of my hands. 'It's-it's-L-L-L-ily, and Ja-James. They-they..." she disolved into a new set of tears, she didn't finish the sentence. She didn't need to. But I couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't be. No. Tula didn't mean that. She didn't. If she finishes her sentence it will be different. I'm-I'm just jumping to conclusions. I have to be. This is isn't right. No! No! I'm not being fooled. Why are there tears? They aren't dead. They're not. No! "They're dead, and Peter. He's dead too." Tula managed to say before she collapsed into me again. Feeling my chest give way. I too fell into a fit of tears. Feeling low. I was mad with them and they were dead. I saw them for the last time last night. Everyone was so happy. Everyone. Why now? Why? Now isn't the right time. They were so young. I loved them all.

Resting my head on Tula who was sprawled over the sofa and onto me. I could feel I was getting her hair wet with my salty tears, but she couldn't care. They were all gone. I felt like my heart was on show. Being pulled out of my chest and being placed on a platter in front of me. Tantlising. I wanted to talk to Tula about it. But it would be too mean. I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to. She answered my question, after what could have been hours, by mumbling,' We're the only ones left. Out of all of us in school.' She wiped her eyes again,'We're the remanding ones. It's just not fair!' Wasn't she missing someone?

"The only ones left? What about Sirius?" Her look to that should have made me stop, but I chose to ignore it."Oh my God, Sirius. He'll need me. James died. James. I want to see him." Her look gave me a message I could no longer ignore, even if wanted to. My heart was again beating so loud I could hear it echo. "Tula, why can't I see him? What happened? He's not...?" I couldn't finish the question. I could feel myself panic. He couldn't be dead as well could he? No. Please no. Not Him. I love Him. I can't be without Him. Don't say He's dead. Don't. She looked as if she really didn't want to say what she was about to do. Partly for her, but mainly for me. She was the first one who knew about me and Him. Without either of us having to tell her. She's like that. She knows how much I love Him. I think she knows even more than He does. Did. Stop it, He's not dead. I would know if He was. Wouldn't I? I always assumed I would know if anything happened to my beloved Sirius. We were. Are. joined. Agape.

"Sirius has been arrested for all three of theirs murders and for being a spy for Voldemort." She said it fast as if she thought that was the only way should would be able to get the words out. "I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to tell you." No. This isn't right. I had actually stopped crying. And not out of shock. It's because I had realised that this is all a joke. A very sick and twisted joke. Very out of character for Tula, but maybe the others out her up to it. She is a very good actress. That must be it. But even if she was. How could she cry so much? It must be real. But it isn't. In a role reversal, she pulled be into a large embrace. I could feel all my sorrow escaping. Even though I didn't allow it to. Why should I cry when nothing happened? Arms hung loosely at my side, unable to move them even enough to return the hug, "Its not true. It can't be true." She shushed be and pulled me even closer. Coarsely, I'm assuming through her sadness, she ran her fingers through my mousy longish hair. Which Sirius loved. Sirius. I cried harder.

Nothingness. My life is nothing. Why live if the only person that I have even loved has murdered all your closest friends bar one? What is the point of carrying on? By heart already on the plater has now been skewered on a stick and poisoned with a thousand arrows. My stomach replaced inside out, all my guts tied together in a big knot around my throat. A noose. Preventing me from breathing. Talking. Living. Why live? Life? There is nothing good. Even love is worth nothing. Nobody who loved me could do that. Was that a lie as much as being friends with Lily and James? Was nothing constant?

Clinging to Tula. My last lifeline. I could never lose her.

My beacon of hope.

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Too depressing? I want reviews please. Flames maybe, as long as they're not personal.

I wrote this ages ago but have only just got round to getting it from my laptop today as I was talking my macbeth coursework down to print it.

Talking of coursework... RS results tomorrow:S:S:S


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